...

...i just want things to be the way it used to be

...i want to sleep and see u in my dreams

...i want to wake up and fell better

...no matter how pathetic and sick this might sound to certain people, i miss you. i just want u by my side.

belasungkawa

my dear,

tak ada perkataan yang dapat bayangkan perasaan awak sekarang. dan tak ada satu perkataan pun yang mampu tenangkan hati awak. tak ada siapa yang dapat tolak apa yang dah Allah bagi

sy tahu awak kuat. mama awak adalah kekuatan awak. dan bidi pun adalah kekuatan awak. mcm yang sy cakap, saya tau tak ada ayat yang boleh lapangkan dada awak buat masa ini. dan apa yang sedang awak tanggung,sy tak dapat bayangkan...

sabarlah sayang..mungkin ini lebih baik untuk semua. masa adalah pengubat yang paling sempurna.

kalau awak perlukan apa apa pun, sy akan ada kat sini untuk awak..

p/s: kalau saya tak angkat phone, sy akan call balik asap. awak tau saya takkan sengaja tak angkat kan..saya akan call balik asap.

take care my dear. i will always love you.

min groggily to the office today..

i felt very groggy, nauseous, and my head felt terribly heavy.

went home after a hard work last nite at 4. AA asked whether i would like to have supper as i've not been consuming any food since the day. i said ok and that take another one solid hour.

met am and stay for another hour purposely because i don't want fall asleep just yet as i know i need to wake up again at 6.15. so we stayed awake as long as our eyes can stand and finally i know he cannot tahan anymore and sort of 'paksa' me to go home. it's not 6 yet!!!if i went back, i'll find my dear bed straight away and snooze of immediately. but i guess he's pretty tired himself, so i drive very very slow to kill the remaining time. reached home at about 6. just about time. perform whatever i need to and felt asleep as soon as my head touch the sweet pillow.

whatever i'm feeling now is the result of what ever..what ever...what ever...

p/s: i still miss him. i really still miss him.

3 days in a week

erm....that is a very good improvement..no, i don't dare to say improvement, or progress...i will call that a bless..3 days..wow..yes, one is initiated by me..at least he's there for me..he is there when i need him..and for 3 days..yep, it was absolutely a bless.

going back to hometown to get my baby back...another supposed to be happiness for me..guess i am happy..miss my kancil though - that one is absolutely there when i need it the most.never failed even one single time.and there is so much memory with him.that i might not get with my baby..

mama said i changed..yes, i am.whatever i'm going through now, all the experience taught me to be so tough at moments, and mean at times.impatient definitely. the heart is getting colder.life might not be so unkind but maybe being human i take the good part wrongly and be someone that i don't wish to be.

i know i've hurt so many people with this so called new me. never for a second do i want to be who i am right now. 101% certain that i never wish to turn out to be like this. all the things that happen supposed to make me stronger, better...not like this. i don't have a choice. it all happen too fast. not until mama pointed this out...not until then i realized how worst i've become.

to add into the misery..i quarreled with farid. because of my 'impatienity'(i know there's no such word jenn..it so happen come across me now) farid thought i was mad at him and that make he mad at me as well....trust me, he's the last person that i want to get into trouble with in this company at the moment. well, maybe he didn't know me that well to really know me.guess so...

conclusion for the week...every single things that happen make me realize that i miss the old me..i'm sorry...for hurting those people that i care and loved.

got to go...am waiting for me to send him home.

miss him so much.

a world when u not around.

i thought he will not leave me..at least not so soon and at the very least so abrupt like this without any explanation, or even excuses. i never thought he can do this. not him who stick with the same brand for so long do what it takes to get the same model again. not him who can have dinner at the same place for 2 weeks in the row,with the same meal. not him who can only eat nuget the whole day long, the same flavor, same brand. not him who always claim can't be easily changed.he changed..and i thought wrong

stop savaging him min..stop making excuses for him so that he will not hurt you..he has no excuse of hurting you, especially not after being so kind, being the healer of your broken heart. stop saving him from hurting you. stop creating all sorts of explanation for him just so that the truth will not hurt you.you will still get hurt.

please stop me.

Friendship & Love

totally from my personal point of view (ppov)..no researc, no copying..truly from what i understand,from what i've gone through, from the bottom of my heart..

Friendship
something thta is truly precious.what can u do without friends? wherever we go, or at least i go, i need a friend. i need to know, at least there will be one single person that i know or comfortable with. yes, family is important. family is everything.that's unspoken rule.nothing in the world can ever replaced that, not even the most perfect friend. but still, friend is important. to tell me that life will still move on no matter what happen. to tell me that i look ok. to tell me that i'll be ok. to praise me.to criticize on me.to be mad at me when i'm not at my best.to tell me to go home when i still spend my late hours at the ofis. to bark me to the clinic when i'm sick.u know all those things that my parents will not be bother of doing. nope, don't get me wrong. i love my parent.divine and undivided love. but i was raised not to be dependent on them. i can't share so many things with them.there are times, i can't even tell them that i'm not feeling well because..(let me be the only person who know the reason)..not until i can't raise from my bed or fainted, i should still move on - for them. so that's why i seek for friend. i love having a lot friends but i prefer to have one person that i will find first when i'm not ok and need a shoulder to cry on. i don't mind being with a bunch of friends but at most time i need one person that is really steady, know me better than anyone else, know exactly when to be mad or gentle to me. and no matter what i did to her/him this person will not mind because they know me perfectly well. i just need this person to be someone that i can trust. that's all.
along my journey, i've found a lot of this type of friends. whom i know will do everything for me. who will even kiss me goodnite when my nite was terribly bad. who would go and knock at the jerk's door in the middle of the nite to give their piece of mind for hurting me so much. who would cry when they can't come and visit me at the boarding schools. yes, i've found them at various places that i've been and i'm so lucky that i still have them so close to my heart even their physical is 100 miles out of sight. and i believe i will find a lot more as this journey continues..

Love
the first time i really really like someone was when i was 16. love at the first sight, as they call it.he never knew how much i like him as i never told him until we finished school. i've never even talked to him. looking back at that, i don't think it's even considered love. (smile)but yes that add up some spice during my school years. the first time i fall in love at the end of 2005. that's how i understand how falling head over heals ever exist. the love bring me somewhere that i've never been before, bringing something out from me that i don't even know i possesed. it taught me that love is not all about what u get, but what u give. love means trust. love means being patient. loves me loved. it's not all about u, forget about u in a while and u will see the love. by then, i never knew love is that fascinating. but, there is one problem. i fall in love with a wrong person. i gave it all to a jerk.i wasted 1 year 7 months spending my life with him and another a few months after that mourning his gone. looking back, the 1 year 7 months are not that wasting. i've learnt so much.SO MUCH. but the mourning-i should have known better bu never mind, time passed and i'm over all that. i knew how bad he is now and never in 1000 years will i take him back. but i also know how to love better..

will this 2 come together..? i don't know. am i falling in love now..?i don't think so.i'mtrying to savage a friendship that i love so much, that's for sure. but it seems that i'm going no where. whatever i do bring me back where i begin.
at the moment, i don't know what i want. and as i always said, i only wish that things will come back the way it used to be.

what's hurt the most (II)

it was 3:08 to be precise and we are still in the office.

going off soon.

start to realize how bad the car condition is.don't feel like going home.i don't want to see the car. felt so heart broken to see how much damaged has been done to the car.how could someone did that? what have i done to them for the car to deserve that??it's my mom's car and she loved the car so much. she will be heart broken if she saw the pieces. whoever done that, i cursed him with my life. sorry mama..

really, if i got to choose where i can sleep tonite..definitely not there.

i really want to go home. cry my heart out on my own bedroom, the safest place on earth to me.i just want to hide in there, until i feel brave again...

ohh..my car..

the not so ok part :
i was down with flu last nite...very weak inside. took a clarinase and have a so-so sleep.

the o.k part:
next day - i decided to go on mc. the flu is getting better but i was very tired. i called AA and told him i'll be coming in late. he knew i'm not well. at 11 sumthing i've decided, office was not an option. called rosie and ask if she can teman me to clinic and she said ok but after her class. no problem . while waiting i send email as many as i can - work related. send sms to AA, tell him that i'm gonna take mc for the day. knew there will be a meeting later, so i just tell him i'll be in for the meeting..(ya ya i know i'm stupid..) but it turns out the meeting cancel. after clinic and not so nice lunch, went back to rosie's office wait till she finished her work before she send me home. feel very sleepy and tired once reach home. continue my current reading and fall asleep immediately. woke up even worst than before i felt asleep.

the worst part:
went to tapau dinner with mymy as she'll be leaving for her kb around 11 sumthing.(which makes me feel like i want to go back to my km) park the car at the usual spot if we went to tapau there. went back to the car in approximately 20 mins. guess what..huhuhuhu..when i was about to open the car door, i realised it was actually shattered and broken once i open the door. i cried for mymy a few times, still she didn't realise what's happening. speechless.scared.the first thought-mama.the first one i try to call once i'm back to my sense - am.
me:am, boleh cakap..?
am:bole.tgh drive ni..
me:keta min kena pecah..
am:ha?betul? aduh..kat mana?
me:kat giant..kat tepi sup kaw tu.
am:aduh..am kat *** ni.
me:takpe, min call org lain...
am: min try call s*******
me:xpe..
am:ok ek..

hung up.

i called rizal..immediately he said he'll be here.

i don't know what to do. luckily nothing was taken. can't think a reason why.

10 mins later, rizal arrived. before that jimmy arrived dy. he and mymy- both trying to get the glasses of the seat. sorry guys, i can'teven think at that moment, leave alone to help u..
rizal helped to drive the car to police station,sit beside me while i was lodging the report, help me to drive back the car home. i can't bear to have a look at the car.it makes me so sad...:(so sad even when am said he was in **** i felt nothing.when i knew that place is so significant with him.

he called again when i was waiting for rizal,checking whether whoever i called has arrived..o c

and again when i was with rizal otw to ofis to check again.

don't know whether i should feel pleased or what..?

that's the summary of how i end up in the office rite now, listening to rascal flatts.

letting go...

this could be the easiest way out..let go..could it be i'm the one who don't want to let all this go..?do i honestly think that things will go back to the way it used to be..?do i still have faith that my prayer will be answered. i believe that there are times in life when ur prayer will never be answered..simply because Allah knows better than you.He will not granted what you wish because He knows that what ever you wish for will not bring any good for you...(Sigh..)and being a human, sometimes we forgot to see that as a blessed..you're not going to get into trouble you see, you are being saved from all the hurts!!!why can't u see that..??!!!

i know i'll feel better once i let everything go..forget everything entirely..but can i let it go when i keep the birthday card next to me every night when i go to sleep..or when the light is still be the light that accompany my sleepless nite, or when i turn to the comforting words that i got,..even if those feasible elements are gone, vanished..can i let it go when all the memories is the one who put me into sleep every single nite now...why u have to be so weak min..and let this happen to you..couldn't u be more foolish than this..(sigh)

am, i'm very sorry..for every single things that i've done and said..for not looking in ur eyes when u talked to me, for not be able to say the words that can calm you down when you at your lowest point, for not making you happy when you are not, for hurting u when i was being so stubborn and only follow my heart said, for not thinking about u and only care about myself and what i feel..for not appreciating ALL that you have done..

am, min mintak maaf sangat...kalau ditakdirkan satu hari nanti am baca semua ni, tolong maafkan min.kerana terlalu pentingkan diri sendiri,kerana tak fikir pasal am..

the only thing that i want so badly now: i want things back to normal
would it be good for me..or not?

i wish u will read this...

Dulu engkau kenali
Tak pernah ku sedar
Dari mata yang memandang penuh pengertian
Tapi saat itu telah berubah
Di persimpang usia
Antara kita tak mampu lagi
Berselindung dengan alasan

Telah ku cantumkan
Semua impian bersama
Dalam jalinan yang kita bina berdua

Namun apakah erti bila
Keinginan terlanjur
Lalu menganggu kala dirimu
Selalu ada disisi

Duhai teman
Bisakah kau fahami sandiwara ini
Sejak bila berputiknya cinta kita
Menjadi rahsia yang tersimpan
Mewujudkan kenyataan
Ku tak sanggup kehilanganmu

Telah ku cantumkan
Semua impian bersama
Dari mata yg penuh pengertian

Namun apakah erti bila
Keinginan telah terlanjur
Lalu menganggu sanubariku

Ku cuba bayangkan waktu dulu
Gurau senda serta pujukan mu
Puisi indah menyatakan kata rinduku
Masa yang lalu meragui
Seluruh harapan muncul kini
Mengapa dan bertanya di mana kesudahan kita

Duhai teman
Bisakah kau fahami sandiwara ini
Sejak bila berputiknya cinta kita
Menjadi rahsia yang tersimpan
Mewujudkan kenyataan
Ku tak sanggup kehilanganmu

am

oh bulan
jangan layan diriku lagi
pabila,
air mata membasahi pipi
dan lagu2 di radio seolah2 memerli aku
pabila,
kau bersama yg lain

adakah perasaaan benci ini sebenarnya cinta
yang masih bersemadi untukmu
dan sebenarya ku mengharapkan
di sebalik senyuman mu itu
kau juga merindui aku

ku enggan
berpura pura ku bahagia
ku enggan
melihat kau bersama si dia
oh ku akui cemburu
telah menular dalam diri
pabila
kau bersama yang lain

adakah perasaaan benci ini sebenarnya cinta
yang masih bersemadi untukmu
dan sebenarya ku mengharapkan
di sebalik senyuman mu itu
kau juga merindui aku

pabila kau merenung matanya
ku rebah,
jatuh ke bumi
di saat kau benar-benar mahu pergi
seperti ku bernafas dalam air

adakah perasaaan benci ini sebenarnya cinta
yang masih bersemadi untukmu
dan sebenarya ku mengharapkan
di sebalik senyuman mu itu kau juga merindui aku
oh–

....................................................................................................

i'm staring blankly at the blinders in front of me, thinking what should i write..suddenly i feel goosebumps on my arms. my eyes started getting teary. i'm so blur.i feel so lost.i wanted to talk to someone so much. i can't take everything anymore. but sadly there is no one that i can turn to. not now when i felt so lost.when i feel so hopeles..

what should i do.where should i go.when i feel this down who can i hope to lean on? myself..?but can i rely on myself when i feel so weak inside.when i feel this lost..never have i felt this way before. back then when i was in the 'dark room' as they called it..yes, i felt very down but i don't have much commitment by then...i can cry the whole day long.i can sleep whenever i feel so tired of crying. i can even take more dose of paracetamol when i though i need 'longer' sleep. i can even go on without consuming any food because i'm just soul and mentally tired..(or is that worst?)

but at this moment.i have responsibility all aorund me. amazing enough, i should be able to forget things easily now as i'm not only soul, mental tired but physically damn tired too.i can't let go any because there are expectation that i need to fulfilled.sadly enough, i even have my own expectation that i don't even know existed. yes, and because of this expectation, i am where i am now. i'm being unfair to myself, right? but what can i do?

i want to be happy..for goodness sake this one time, i want to be happy.i missed those times, when things are so pressured around me but i feel so much better inside because i'm happy. i cry because i'm happy.

and now see who is laughing..?clearly it's not me..