emptiness

my last post : 20th July 2009

today : 20th April 2010

period : 10 months passed by

mode : back to square 1

july :)

finally July came..and now is about to go.this year i'm more anticipated waiting for july 11th rather than july 14th. why..? i also dun know. maybe because i have more plan on July 11th, rather on July 14th..:) well, july 11th goes perfectly according to the plan. in fact even better. smtime it's true that you have to trust your instinct. the plan was i will ajak him out for dinner earlier, but then the actual is he wanted to go a little bit later which was at 11pm. Ting!! 1Point for me there..11pm = nearly midnite.:) the plan was i will only passed him the present when he was about leaving when he sent me home, but the actual i gave him when we were eating in the car. i don't expect him with that kind of reaction. my expectation was he would as per normal ego 'ly' pretend that the present is not so amusing. then he would act like nothing happen. but the actual, he was very excited to open the present, he opened right there and then, and like the present so much!!!! he straight away changed his old wallet to the one that i gave (btw, i gave him wallet :)) he said he liked it so much. wow that's a relieve. i took months to find what he will like.

this is the 3rd time i tried to finish writing this. the stupid lappy keep on getting hanged.urgh....!
anyway, i was about to tell about my stupid hope which i think was too much and too high. i only received 2 birthday wishes on the midnite. only 2!!! so sad sad. that just showed that all my frens are getting older and can't keep themselves awake on the midnite anymore*sigh :P . that 2 sms came from adeq and him :) we were supposed to meet up tat nite but then my parents were here in kl so i went to have dinner with them.
by the next morning only my phone was busy receiving birthday wishes and calls. well, as i'm gettung older myslef, i forgave them for the late notification. i knew that nite am was bz with work, so i did not expect much from him though he did promised for dinner earlier. and also i knew these few beloved colleague of mine planned a suppose to be surprise dinner for me. well, eventually it's not a surprised as my beloved boss purposely spoilt the fun by telling me the plan and to his defense he was doing it as he is concerned of me having 'hot date' that nite. :P
the 'surprised dinner went well and 'wild' towards the end..the

though next day is nothing to be shared with, at the least i did not planned anything on the day itself, so not much disappointment there though a scary tot did came to my mind.

had a good birthday myself. a few celebration this year. with beloved colleagues arranged for a supposed to be surprise birthday dinner, my beloved housemates taking all the effort to cook and decorate my room for another dinner, jess giving me a massage treat and a birthday lunch by the management team 3 days after july14th, i can say that i have a good birthday this year. so much better than the one i had last year.

only one small sad part...he didn't give me anything. he did asked what i want and give me a few option but i told him i'm not that type of people. i will take whatever people give me. maybe he forgot that last year he gave me 'rock' for my birthday and i loved it so much. :P so until now, he didn't give me anything and looking at the way it is, doesn't seem like he is going to get me anything. that is one of the sad part..nothing to see for me to remember and glanced if i miss him.somehow..

crazier

my fav songs at the mo. ^-^ :)


I'd never gone with the wind
just let it flow
let it take me where it wants to go
till you open the door
there's so much more
I'd never seen it before
i was trying to fly but i couldn't find wings
but you came along and you changed everything
you lift my feet off the ground
you spin me around
you make me crazier, crazier
feels like I'm falling and i
I'm lost in your eyes
you make me crazier, crazier, crazier
i watched from a distance as you
made life your own
every sky was your own kind of blue
and i wanted to know
how that would feel
and you made it so real
you showed me something that i couldn't see
you opened my eyes and you made me believe
you lift my feet off the ground
you spin me around
you make me crazier, crazier
feels like I'm falling and i
I'm lost in your eyes
you make me crazier, crazier, crazier
baby you showed me what living is for
i don't wanna hide anymooorreee
you lift my feet off the ground
you spin me around
you make me crazier, crazier
feels like I'm falling and i
I'm lost in your eyes
you make me crazier, crazier, crazier

haih...

it has only been less than even 17hours..and i miss him ALREADY??! aduhai..what is this..i don't want to be caught up like this. really la..this is not what i'm expecting. cmon i'm too old already for this kind of feeling. and the stupidest thing is when i listen to all this stupid mellow love songs, i want to cry. MINNNNNNNN WAKE UPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tolongla....

i'm not ready for this yet. definetely not...Ya Allah, tolonglah hambamu ini...really i'm not ready.i can't have all this. it's too fast. tersangat cepat. a minute before i just dare to admit that he's important to me, the next minute i miss him like hell.

the explanation : am went back to hometown this weekend. took friday off. and he drove back last nite. before the so called goodbye we went out together. the main reason is because he needs to pass sumthing to me and so just might as well go out for dinner. he took off like 10 pm last nite. now is 2pm. he even text me once he arrived his home.

i don't know how to go through today.

companionship vs love

aku nak kawin...recently i realized a lot of things. most of the things that i have not feel before. Segala puji pujian hanya untuk Allah, am is back to my side. i don't dare to say exactly like before or even better than last time, but definitely he's back by my side. and that is the most important thing of all. like i told zura, we are more intimate. in good ways. dia tak pernah amik kesempatan kat aku sebelum ni. never. but slowly i realize, the intimacy is the way dia bermanja dengan aku. i don't dare to say 2 years is a good gage to tell his behaviour but for sure i know he is certainly not SS type. he didn't do that on purpose because he got this very big e.g.o thingy inside his head. i realize he did that for my attention in a way that he didn't want me to realize it.

back to my first statement above. aku nak kawin. untuk satu sebab.i'm craving for a companionship. bila aku ngan am, walau kita org gaduh ke, baik ke, syok ke tak syok ke aku rasa dia ada.aku boleh cerita apa saja kat dia,nak buat muka mcm mana pun - dia tak kisah. bila dia ada ngan aku, aku rasa selamat, aku rasa dijaga, mkn minum aku semua.aku rasa tenang, aku rasa o.k. the only feeling that i need the most. the O.K feeling. and surprise surprise i got that with him.
then bila dia anta aku balik, and we go our separate ways, aku hilang rasa O.K tu. am i over feeling it. i felt lost.even though for a minute. i feel like i'm all alone eventhough there are people around me. empty.suddenly i felt quiet all over. sebab tu aku nak kawin. aku nak rasa O.K tu selalu ada dengan aku. waktu susah atau senang, as long as i felt O.K. i know i can go on.

aku tak tau rasa aku ni salah atau betul. aku still tak tau apa ada dalam kepala hati dia.

i only ever felt in love once. head over heel. and i know that's not likely to happen again. i honestly do not know what i'm feeling right now. this is not love for sure, but he is very important to me . mama dah banyak kali tanya pasal kawin. aku da bgtau mama pasal am. but i just told her kita org cuma kawan. mama doakan lah semua mudah untuk ayong. mymy pun tak berenti mengusik. harapan aku, biarlah masin mulut dia...

dalam hati aku, dia sangat kuat. sebagai sahabat, sebagai teman, sebagai seorang companion. kalau Allah tak bagi dia kat aku, aku tak tau apa aku akan jadi sekarang. tak peduli la apa orang nak kata.orang tak tau sekuman pun apa yang dah aku lalui sebelum ni. hati aku pun da penat nak mencari.bukan putus asa, cuma sangat takut untuk kecewa lagi. in fact perasaan ni tak sepatutnya ada pun, tapi aku kalah jugak. sebab mcm mana pun aku tetap manusia biasa.

am, if you are gonna read this,don't take this wrongly.i'm not in love with you but you are definitely one of the most important element in my system at the moment. yup, u definitely are. :)

G.T.H

aku peduli pe kalau tanak balas mail kau. suka hati akula. nak cakap aku tak profesional..?so what kalau aku tak profesional. pegi mamposla.kau ingat kau pro sangat ke. kalau kau pro dari awal lagi benda ni semua tak akan jadi. kau ingat keja aku tengok email saje. i'm very sorry but i'm taking care of almost the whoe company. helo, take initiative go and find yourself la.or give some suggestion on how to settle it la. if you just sit there and do nothing what make u think you are better than me. at least i know i've been busy handling a lot of other stuffs. since you are so determined on your job scope, then JUST DO IT la.

aku memang tak peduli lagi la apa2 pun. kalau kau rasa kau bagus sangat go and proof yourself. go and proff you are way better than anyone here. kau rasa kau besar sangat? manusia yang paling aku benci dalam dunia ialah manusia yang sombong. kau rasa besar sangat ke.besar dari tuhan? cakap besar sangat macam kau tak pernah buat salah. tak pernah buat silap.

mula2 aku rasa sangat teruk. aku rasa aku tak bagus. aku tau memang aku tak bagus. tapi aku terpk ape yang dah kau bagi kat aku selama ni, yang utk aku kenang. tak ada. so kau pk la sendiri

yes, aku memang rasa kau sangat bagus. kalau tak kau tak akan ckp camtu.

aku tak pernah guna 'aku ' seumur hidup. kau ajar aku jadi kurang ajar cmni.

pegi mampos.

i'm out of my mind

time flew so fast..it's already may.and i only posted 1 post on april...haih..too many things had happen.good and bad.the best part - i'm back on track with am.don't know for how long this time but i'm hopping it to be forever. yup forever.i guess when we had our time a year ago, it's like 360 degrees different from the time that we are having now. i mean, now we are so occupied with work - especially me until at certain extent i feel so lonely and all i wanted to do is to spend time wif him. erm..come to realizing it..i know what i like to do in my past time - spend time wif him.i know how to let go my stress - go out wif him.hahahahahahahaah

i'm out of my mind.