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i'm staring blankly at the blinders in front of me, thinking what should i write..suddenly i feel goosebumps on my arms. my eyes started getting teary. i'm so blur.i feel so lost.i wanted to talk to someone so much. i can't take everything anymore. but sadly there is no one that i can turn to. not now when i felt so lost.when i feel so hopeles..

what should i do.where should i go.when i feel this down who can i hope to lean on? myself..?but can i rely on myself when i feel so weak inside.when i feel this lost..never have i felt this way before. back then when i was in the 'dark room' as they called it..yes, i felt very down but i don't have much commitment by then...i can cry the whole day long.i can sleep whenever i feel so tired of crying. i can even take more dose of paracetamol when i though i need 'longer' sleep. i can even go on without consuming any food because i'm just soul and mentally tired..(or is that worst?)

but at this moment.i have responsibility all aorund me. amazing enough, i should be able to forget things easily now as i'm not only soul, mental tired but physically damn tired too.i can't let go any because there are expectation that i need to fulfilled.sadly enough, i even have my own expectation that i don't even know existed. yes, and because of this expectation, i am where i am now. i'm being unfair to myself, right? but what can i do?

i want to be happy..for goodness sake this one time, i want to be happy.i missed those times, when things are so pressured around me but i feel so much better inside because i'm happy. i cry because i'm happy.

and now see who is laughing..?clearly it's not me..