crazier

my fav songs at the mo. ^-^ :)


I'd never gone with the wind
just let it flow
let it take me where it wants to go
till you open the door
there's so much more
I'd never seen it before
i was trying to fly but i couldn't find wings
but you came along and you changed everything
you lift my feet off the ground
you spin me around
you make me crazier, crazier
feels like I'm falling and i
I'm lost in your eyes
you make me crazier, crazier, crazier
i watched from a distance as you
made life your own
every sky was your own kind of blue
and i wanted to know
how that would feel
and you made it so real
you showed me something that i couldn't see
you opened my eyes and you made me believe
you lift my feet off the ground
you spin me around
you make me crazier, crazier
feels like I'm falling and i
I'm lost in your eyes
you make me crazier, crazier, crazier
baby you showed me what living is for
i don't wanna hide anymooorreee
you lift my feet off the ground
you spin me around
you make me crazier, crazier
feels like I'm falling and i
I'm lost in your eyes
you make me crazier, crazier, crazier

haih...

it has only been less than even 17hours..and i miss him ALREADY??! aduhai..what is this..i don't want to be caught up like this. really la..this is not what i'm expecting. cmon i'm too old already for this kind of feeling. and the stupidest thing is when i listen to all this stupid mellow love songs, i want to cry. MINNNNNNNN WAKE UPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tolongla....

i'm not ready for this yet. definetely not...Ya Allah, tolonglah hambamu ini...really i'm not ready.i can't have all this. it's too fast. tersangat cepat. a minute before i just dare to admit that he's important to me, the next minute i miss him like hell.

the explanation : am went back to hometown this weekend. took friday off. and he drove back last nite. before the so called goodbye we went out together. the main reason is because he needs to pass sumthing to me and so just might as well go out for dinner. he took off like 10 pm last nite. now is 2pm. he even text me once he arrived his home.

i don't know how to go through today.

companionship vs love

aku nak kawin...recently i realized a lot of things. most of the things that i have not feel before. Segala puji pujian hanya untuk Allah, am is back to my side. i don't dare to say exactly like before or even better than last time, but definitely he's back by my side. and that is the most important thing of all. like i told zura, we are more intimate. in good ways. dia tak pernah amik kesempatan kat aku sebelum ni. never. but slowly i realize, the intimacy is the way dia bermanja dengan aku. i don't dare to say 2 years is a good gage to tell his behaviour but for sure i know he is certainly not SS type. he didn't do that on purpose because he got this very big e.g.o thingy inside his head. i realize he did that for my attention in a way that he didn't want me to realize it.

back to my first statement above. aku nak kawin. untuk satu sebab.i'm craving for a companionship. bila aku ngan am, walau kita org gaduh ke, baik ke, syok ke tak syok ke aku rasa dia ada.aku boleh cerita apa saja kat dia,nak buat muka mcm mana pun - dia tak kisah. bila dia ada ngan aku, aku rasa selamat, aku rasa dijaga, mkn minum aku semua.aku rasa tenang, aku rasa o.k. the only feeling that i need the most. the O.K feeling. and surprise surprise i got that with him.
then bila dia anta aku balik, and we go our separate ways, aku hilang rasa O.K tu. am i over feeling it. i felt lost.even though for a minute. i feel like i'm all alone eventhough there are people around me. empty.suddenly i felt quiet all over. sebab tu aku nak kawin. aku nak rasa O.K tu selalu ada dengan aku. waktu susah atau senang, as long as i felt O.K. i know i can go on.

aku tak tau rasa aku ni salah atau betul. aku still tak tau apa ada dalam kepala hati dia.

i only ever felt in love once. head over heel. and i know that's not likely to happen again. i honestly do not know what i'm feeling right now. this is not love for sure, but he is very important to me . mama dah banyak kali tanya pasal kawin. aku da bgtau mama pasal am. but i just told her kita org cuma kawan. mama doakan lah semua mudah untuk ayong. mymy pun tak berenti mengusik. harapan aku, biarlah masin mulut dia...

dalam hati aku, dia sangat kuat. sebagai sahabat, sebagai teman, sebagai seorang companion. kalau Allah tak bagi dia kat aku, aku tak tau apa aku akan jadi sekarang. tak peduli la apa orang nak kata.orang tak tau sekuman pun apa yang dah aku lalui sebelum ni. hati aku pun da penat nak mencari.bukan putus asa, cuma sangat takut untuk kecewa lagi. in fact perasaan ni tak sepatutnya ada pun, tapi aku kalah jugak. sebab mcm mana pun aku tetap manusia biasa.

am, if you are gonna read this,don't take this wrongly.i'm not in love with you but you are definitely one of the most important element in my system at the moment. yup, u definitely are. :)