Have Faith

emptiness

2010-04-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

my last post : 20th July 2009

today : 20th April 2010

period : 10 months passed by

mode : back to square 1

july :)

2009-07-20T00:39:00.000-07:00

finally July came..and now is about to go.this year i'm more anticipated waiting for july 11th rather than july 14th. why..? i also dun know. maybe because i have more plan on July 11th, rather on July 14th..:) well, july 11th goes perfectly according to the plan. in fact even better. smtime it's true that you have to trust your instinct. the plan was i will ajak him out for dinner earlier, but then the actual is he wanted to go a little bit later which was at 11pm. Ting!! 1Point for me there..11pm = nearly midnite.:) the plan was i will only passed him the present when he was about leaving when he sent me home, but the actual i gave him when we were eating in the car. i don't expect him with that kind of reaction. my expectation was he would as per normal ego 'ly' pretend that the present is not so amusing. then he would act like nothing happen. but the actual, he was very excited to open the present, he opened right there and then, and like the present so much!!!! he straight away changed his old wallet to the one that i gave (btw, i gave him wallet :)) he said he liked it so much. wow that's a relieve. i took months to find what he will like.

this is the 3rd time i tried to finish writing this. the stupid lappy keep on getting hanged.urgh....!
anyway, i was about to tell about my stupid hope which i think was too much and too high. i only received 2 birthday wishes on the midnite. only 2!!! so sad sad. that just showed that all my frens are getting older and can't keep themselves awake on the midnite anymore*sigh :P . that 2 sms came from adeq and him :) we were supposed to meet up tat nite but then my parents were here in kl so i went to have dinner with them.
by the next morning only my phone was busy receiving birthday wishes and calls. well, as i'm gettung older myslef, i forgave them for the late notification. i knew that nite am was bz with work, so i did not expect much from him though he did promised for dinner earlier. and also i knew these few beloved colleague of mine planned a suppose to be surprise dinner for me. well, eventually it's not a surprised as my beloved boss purposely spoilt the fun by telling me the plan and to his defense he was doing it as he is concerned of me having 'hot date' that nite. :P
the 'surprised dinner went well and 'wild' towards the end..the

though next day is nothing to be shared with, at the least i did not planned anything on the day itself, so not much disappointment there though a scary tot did came to my mind.

had a good birthday myself. a few celebration this year. with beloved colleagues arranged for a supposed to be surprise birthday dinner, my beloved housemates taking all the effort to cook and decorate my room for another dinner, jess giving me a massage treat and a birthday lunch by the management team 3 days after july14th, i can say that i have a good birthday this year. so much better than the one i had last year.

only one small sad part...he didn't give me anything. he did asked what i want and give me a few option but i told him i'm not that type of people. i will take whatever people give me. maybe he forgot that last year he gave me 'rock' for my birthday and i loved it so much. :P so until now, he didn't give me anything and looking at the way it is, doesn't seem like he is going to get me anything. that is one of the sad part..nothing to see for me to remember and glanced if i miss him.somehow..

crazier

2009-06-17T23:58:00.000-07:00

my fav songs at the mo. ^-^ :)

I'd never gone with the wind
just let it flow
let it take me where it wants to go
till you open the door
there's so much more
I'd never seen it before
i was trying to fly but i couldn't find wings
but you came along and you changed everything
you lift my feet off the ground
you spin me around
you make me crazier, crazier
feels like I'm falling and i
I'm lost in your eyes
you make me crazier, crazier, crazier
i watched from a distance as you
made life your own
every sky was your own kind of blue
and i wanted to know
how that would feel
and you made it so real
you showed me something that i couldn't see
you opened my eyes and you made me believe
you lift my feet off the ground
you spin me around
you make me crazier, crazier
feels like I'm falling and i
I'm lost in your eyes
you make me crazier, crazier, crazier
baby you showed me what living is for
i don't wanna hide anymooorreee
you lift my feet off the ground
you spin me around
you make me crazier, crazier
feels like I'm falling and i
I'm lost in your eyes
you make me crazier, crazier, crazier

haih...

2009-06-04T23:15:00.000-07:00

it has only been less than even 17hours..and i miss him ALREADY??! aduhai..what is this..i don't want to be caught up like this. really la..this is not what i'm expecting. cmon i'm too old already for this kind of feeling. and the stupidest thing is when i listen to all this stupid mellow love songs, i want to cry. MINNNNNNNN WAKE UPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tolongla....

i'm not ready for this yet. definetely not...Ya Allah, tolonglah hambamu ini...really i'm not ready.i can't have all this. it's too fast. tersangat cepat. a minute before i just dare to admit that he's important to me, the next minute i miss him like hell.

the explanation : am went back to hometown this weekend. took friday off. and he drove back last nite. before the so called goodbye we went out together. the main reason is because he needs to pass sumthing to me and so just might as well go out for dinner. he took off like 10 pm last nite. now is 2pm. he even text me once he arrived his home.

i don't know how to go through today.

companionship vs love

2009-06-01T04:35:00.001-07:00

aku nak kawin...recently i realized a lot of things. most of the things that i have not feel before. Segala puji pujian hanya untuk Allah, am is back to my side. i don't dare to say exactly like before or even better than last time, but definitely he's back by my side. and that is the most important thing of all. like i told zura, we are more intimate. in good ways. dia tak pernah amik kesempatan kat aku sebelum ni. never. but slowly i realize, the intimacy is the way dia bermanja dengan aku. i don't dare to say 2 years is a good gage to tell his behaviour but for sure i know he is certainly not SS type. he didn't do that on purpose because he got this very big e.g.o thingy inside his head. i realize he did that for my attention in a way that he didn't want me to realize it.

back to my first statement above. aku nak kawin. untuk satu sebab.i'm craving for a companionship. bila aku ngan am, walau kita org gaduh ke, baik ke, syok ke tak syok ke aku rasa dia ada.aku boleh cerita apa saja kat dia,nak buat muka mcm mana pun - dia tak kisah. bila dia ada ngan aku, aku rasa selamat, aku rasa dijaga, mkn minum aku semua.aku rasa tenang, aku rasa o.k. the only feeling that i need the most. the O.K feeling. and surprise surprise i got that with him.
then bila dia anta aku balik, and we go our separate ways, aku hilang rasa O.K tu. am i over feeling it. i felt lost.even though for a minute. i feel like i'm all alone eventhough there are people around me. empty.suddenly i felt quiet all over. sebab tu aku nak kawin. aku nak rasa O.K tu selalu ada dengan aku. waktu susah atau senang, as long as i felt O.K. i know i can go on.

aku tak tau rasa aku ni salah atau betul. aku still tak tau apa ada dalam kepala hati dia.

i only ever felt in love once. head over heel. and i know that's not likely to happen again. i honestly do not know what i'm feeling right now. this is not love for sure, but he is very important to me . mama dah banyak kali tanya pasal kawin. aku da bgtau mama pasal am. but i just told her kita org cuma kawan. mama doakan lah semua mudah untuk ayong. mymy pun tak berenti mengusik. harapan aku, biarlah masin mulut dia...

dalam hati aku, dia sangat kuat. sebagai sahabat, sebagai teman, sebagai seorang companion. kalau Allah tak bagi dia kat aku, aku tak tau apa aku akan jadi sekarang. tak peduli la apa orang nak kata.orang tak tau sekuman pun apa yang dah aku lalui sebelum ni. hati aku pun da penat nak mencari.bukan putus asa, cuma sangat takut untuk kecewa lagi. in fact perasaan ni tak sepatutnya ada pun, tapi aku kalah jugak. sebab mcm mana pun aku tetap manusia biasa.

am, if you are gonna read this,don't take this wrongly.i'm not in love with you but you are definitely one of the most important element in my system at the moment. yup, u definitely are. :)

G.T.H

2009-05-20T01:20:00.000-07:00

aku peduli pe kalau tanak balas mail kau. suka hati akula. nak cakap aku tak profesional..?so what kalau aku tak profesional. pegi mamposla.kau ingat kau pro sangat ke. kalau kau pro dari awal lagi benda ni semua tak akan jadi. kau ingat keja aku tengok email saje. i'm very sorry but i'm taking care of almost the whoe company. helo, take initiative go and find yourself la.or give some suggestion on how to settle it la. if you just sit there and do nothing what make u think you are better than me. at least i know i've been busy handling a lot of other stuffs. since you are so determined on your job scope, then JUST DO IT la.

aku memang tak peduli lagi la apa2 pun. kalau kau rasa kau bagus sangat go and proof yourself. go and proff you are way better than anyone here. kau rasa kau besar sangat? manusia yang paling aku benci dalam dunia ialah manusia yang sombong. kau rasa besar sangat ke.besar dari tuhan? cakap besar sangat macam kau tak pernah buat salah. tak pernah buat silap.

mula2 aku rasa sangat teruk. aku rasa aku tak bagus. aku tau memang aku tak bagus. tapi aku terpk ape yang dah kau bagi kat aku selama ni, yang utk aku kenang. tak ada. so kau pk la sendiri

yes, aku memang rasa kau sangat bagus. kalau tak kau tak akan ckp camtu.

aku tak pernah guna 'aku ' seumur hidup. kau ajar aku jadi kurang ajar cmni.

pegi mampos.

i'm out of my mind

2009-05-04T04:07:00.000-07:00

time flew so fast..it's already may.and i only posted 1 post on april...haih..too many things had happen.good and bad.the best part - i'm back on track with am.don't know for how long this time but i'm hopping it to be forever. yup forever.i guess when we had our time a year ago, it's like 360 degrees different from the time that we are having now. i mean, now we are so occupied with work - especially me until at certain extent i feel so lonely and all i wanted to do is to spend time wif him. erm..come to realizing it..i know what i like to do in my past time - spend time wif him.i know how to let go my stress - go out wif him.hahahahahahahaah

i'm out of my mind.

m.e.l.a.k.a

2009-04-18T08:55:00.000-07:00

was now in melaka..in the next door's room. using benji's computer. miss writing here.work has been tremendously busy. believe it or not, i've been working for 3 weeks in a row!!2 weekend in melaka some moren..no leave.no weekend. how pathetic my life has been..!!huhu.but deep down inside, i am happy. so much better than i've been feeling for the past few months...thank ainyou so much Ya Allah..i can never repay You for this. Please..i am hopping not to be tested with the same test again..Thank you So Much Ya Allah...

will tell more details when i am back in kl..

wish i have more time to spend here..huhu..

love u.

...

2009-03-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

...i just want things to be the way it used to be

...i want to sleep and see u in my dreams

...i want to wake up and fell better

...no matter how pathetic and sick this might sound to certain people, i miss you. i just want u by my side.

belasungkawa

2009-03-22T00:33:00.000-07:00

my dear,

tak ada perkataan yang dapat bayangkan perasaan awak sekarang. dan tak ada satu perkataan pun yang mampu tenangkan hati awak. tak ada siapa yang dapat tolak apa yang dah Allah bagi

sy tahu awak kuat. mama awak adalah kekuatan awak. dan bidi pun adalah kekuatan awak. mcm yang sy cakap, saya tau tak ada ayat yang boleh lapangkan dada awak buat masa ini. dan apa yang sedang awak tanggung,sy tak dapat bayangkan...

sabarlah sayang..mungkin ini lebih baik untuk semua. masa adalah pengubat yang paling sempurna.

kalau awak perlukan apa apa pun, sy akan ada kat sini untuk awak..

p/s: kalau saya tak angkat phone, sy akan call balik asap. awak tau saya takkan sengaja tak angkat kan..saya akan call balik asap.

take care my dear. i will always love you.

min groggily to the office today..

2009-03-18T23:03:00.000-07:00

i felt very groggy, nauseous, and my head felt terribly heavy.

went home after a hard work last nite at 4. AA asked whether i would like to have supper as i've not been consuming any food since the day. i said ok and that take another one solid hour.

met am and stay for another hour purposely because i don't want fall asleep just yet as i know i need to wake up again at 6.15. so we stayed awake as long as our eyes can stand and finally i know he cannot tahan anymore and sort of 'paksa' me to go home. it's not 6 yet!!!if i went back, i'll find my dear bed straight away and snooze of immediately. but i guess he's pretty tired himself, so i drive very very slow to kill the remaining time. reached home at about 6. just about time. perform whatever i need to and felt asleep as soon as my head touch the sweet pillow.

whatever i'm feeling now is the result of what ever..what ever...what ever...

p/s: i still miss him. i really still miss him.

3 days in a week

2009-03-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

erm....that is a very good improvement..no, i don't dare to say improvement, or progress...i will call that a bless..3 days..wow..yes, one is initiated by me..at least he's there for me..he is there when i need him..and for 3 days..yep, it was absolutely a bless.

going back to hometown to get my baby back...another supposed to be happiness for me..guess i am happy..miss my kancil though - that one is absolutely there when i need it the most.never failed even one single time.and there is so much memory with him.that i might not get with my baby..

mama said i changed..yes, i am.whatever i'm going through now, all the experience taught me to be so tough at moments, and mean at times.impatient definitely. the heart is getting colder.life might not be so unkind but maybe being human i take the good part wrongly and be someone that i don't wish to be.

i know i've hurt so many people with this so called new me. never for a second do i want to be who i am right now. 101% certain that i never wish to turn out to be like this. all the things that happen supposed to make me stronger, better...not like this. i don't have a choice. it all happen too fast. not until mama pointed this out...not until then i realized how worst i've become.

to add into the misery..i quarreled with farid. because of my 'impatienity'(i know there's no such word jenn..it so happen come across me now) farid thought i was mad at him and that make he mad at me as well....trust me, he's the last person that i want to get into trouble with in this company at the moment. well, maybe he didn't know me that well to really know me.guess so...

conclusion for the week...every single things that happen make me realize that i miss the old me..i'm sorry...for hurting those people that i care and loved.

got to go...am waiting for me to send him home.

miss him so much.

a world when u not around.

2009-03-08T23:45:00.000-07:00

i thought he will not leave me..at least not so soon and at the very least so abrupt like this without any explanation, or even excuses. i never thought he can do this. not him who stick with the same brand for so long do what it takes to get the same model again. not him who can have dinner at the same place for 2 weeks in the row,with the same meal. not him who can only eat nuget the whole day long, the same flavor, same brand. not him who always claim can't be easily changed.he changed..and i thought wrong

stop savaging him min..stop making excuses for him so that he will not hurt you..he has no excuse of hurting you, especially not after being so kind, being the healer of your broken heart. stop saving him from hurting you. stop creating all sorts of explanation for him just so that the truth will not hurt you.you will still get hurt.

please stop me.

Friendship & Love

2009-03-08T20:07:00.000-07:00

totally from my personal point of view (ppov)..no researc, no copying..truly from what i understand,from what i've gone through, from the bottom of my heart..

Friendship
something thta is truly precious.what can u do without friends? wherever we go, or at least i go, i need a friend. i need to know, at least there will be one single person that i know or comfortable with. yes, family is important. family is everything.that's unspoken rule.nothing in the world can ever replaced that, not even the most perfect friend. but still, friend is important. to tell me that life will still move on no matter what happen. to tell me that i look ok. to tell me that i'll be ok. to praise me.to criticize on me.to be mad at me when i'm not at my best.to tell me to go home when i still spend my late hours at the ofis. to bark me to the clinic when i'm sick.u know all those things that my parents will not be bother of doing. nope, don't get me wrong. i love my parent.divine and undivided love. but i was raised not to be dependent on them. i can't share so many things with them.there are times, i can't even tell them that i'm not feeling well because..(let me be the only person who know the reason)..not until i can't raise from my bed or fainted, i should still move on - for them. so that's why i seek for friend. i love having a lot friends but i prefer to have one person that i will find first when i'm not ok and need a shoulder to cry on. i don't mind being with a bunch of friends but at most time i need one person that is really steady, know me better than anyone else, know exactly when to be mad or gentle to me. and no matter what i did to her/him this person will not mind because they know me perfectly well. i just need this person to be someone that i can trust. that's all.
along my journey, i've found a lot of this type of friends. whom i know will do everything for me. who will even kiss me goodnite when my nite was terribly bad. who would go and knock at the jerk's door in the middle of the nite to give their piece of mind for hurting me so much. who would cry when they can't come and visit me at the boarding schools. yes, i've found them at various places that i've been and i'm so lucky that i still have them so close to my heart even their physical is 100 miles out of sight. and i believe i will find a lot more as this journey continues..

Love
the first time i really really like someone was when i was 16. love at the first sight, as they call it.he never knew how much i like him as i never told him until we finished school. i've never even talked to him. looking back at that, i don't think it's even considered love. (smile)but yes that add up some spice during my school years. the first time i fall in love at the end of 2005. that's how i understand how falling head over heals ever exist. the love bring me somewhere that i've never been before, bringing something out from me that i don't even know i possesed. it taught me that love is not all about what u get, but what u give. love means trust. love means being patient. loves me loved. it's not all about u, forget about u in a while and u will see the love. by then, i never knew love is that fascinating. but, there is one problem. i fall in love with a wrong person. i gave it all to a jerk.i wasted 1 year 7 months spending my life with him and another a few months after that mourning his gone. looking back, the 1 year 7 months are not that wasting. i've learnt so much.SO MUCH. but the mourning-i should have known better bu never mind, time passed and i'm over all that. i knew how bad he is now and never in 1000 years will i take him back. but i also know how to love better..

will this 2 come together..? i don't know. am i falling in love now..?i don't think so.i'mtrying to savage a friendship that i love so much, that's for sure. but it seems that i'm going no where. whatever i do bring me back where i begin.
at the moment, i don't know what i want. and as i always said, i only wish that things will come back the way it used to be.

what's hurt the most (II)

2009-03-06T11:08:00.000-08:00

it was 3:08 to be precise and we are still in the office.

going off soon.

start to realize how bad the car condition is.don't feel like going home.i don't want to see the car. felt so heart broken to see how much damaged has been done to the car.how could someone did that? what have i done to them for the car to deserve that??it's my mom's car and she loved the car so much. she will be heart broken if she saw the pieces. whoever done that, i cursed him with my life. sorry mama..

really, if i got to choose where i can sleep tonite..definitely not there.

i really want to go home. cry my heart out on my own bedroom, the safest place on earth to me.i just want to hide in there, until i feel brave again...

ohh..my car..

2009-03-06T07:16:00.000-08:00

the not so ok part :
i was down with flu last nite...very weak inside. took a clarinase and have a so-so sleep.

the o.k part:
next day - i decided to go on mc. the flu is getting better but i was very tired. i called AA and told him i'll be coming in late. he knew i'm not well. at 11 sumthing i've decided, office was not an option. called rosie and ask if she can teman me to clinic and she said ok but after her class. no problem . while waiting i send email as many as i can - work related. send sms to AA, tell him that i'm gonna take mc for the day. knew there will be a meeting later, so i just tell him i'll be in for the meeting..(ya ya i know i'm stupid..) but it turns out the meeting cancel. after clinic and not so nice lunch, went back to rosie's office wait till she finished her work before she send me home. feel very sleepy and tired once reach home. continue my current reading and fall asleep immediately. woke up even worst than before i felt asleep.

the worst part:
went to tapau dinner with mymy as she'll be leaving for her kb around 11 sumthing.(which makes me feel like i want to go back to my km) park the car at the usual spot if we went to tapau there. went back to the car in approximately 20 mins. guess what..huhuhuhu..when i was about to open the car door, i realised it was actually shattered and broken once i open the door. i cried for mymy a few times, still she didn't realise what's happening. speechless.scared.the first thought-mama.the first one i try to call once i'm back to my sense - am.
me:am, boleh cakap..?
am:bole.tgh drive ni..
me:keta min kena pecah..
am:ha?betul? aduh..kat mana?
me:kat giant..kat tepi sup kaw tu.
am:aduh..am kat *** ni.
me:takpe, min call org lain...
am: min try call s*******
me:xpe..
am:ok ek..

hung up.

i called rizal..immediately he said he'll be here.

i don't know what to do. luckily nothing was taken. can't think a reason why.

10 mins later, rizal arrived. before that jimmy arrived dy. he and mymy- both trying to get the glasses of the seat. sorry guys, i can'teven think at that moment, leave alone to help u..
rizal helped to drive the car to police station,sit beside me while i was lodging the report, help me to drive back the car home. i can't bear to have a look at the car.it makes me so sad...:(so sad even when am said he was in **** i felt nothing.when i knew that place is so significant with him.

he called again when i was waiting for rizal,checking whether whoever i called has arrived..o c

and again when i was with rizal otw to ofis to check again.

don't know whether i should feel pleased or what..?

that's the summary of how i end up in the office rite now, listening to rascal flatts.

letting go...

2009-03-04T03:57:00.000-08:00

this could be the easiest way out..let go..could it be i'm the one who don't want to let all this go..?do i honestly think that things will go back to the way it used to be..?do i still have faith that my prayer will be answered. i believe that there are times in life when ur prayer will never be answered..simply because Allah knows better than you.He will not granted what you wish because He knows that what ever you wish for will not bring any good for you...(Sigh..)and being a human, sometimes we forgot to see that as a blessed..you're not going to get into trouble you see, you are being saved from all the hurts!!!why can't u see that..??!!!

i know i'll feel better once i let everything go..forget everything entirely..but can i let it go when i keep the birthday card next to me every night when i go to sleep..or when the light is still be the light that accompany my sleepless nite, or when i turn to the comforting words that i got,..even if those feasible elements are gone, vanished..can i let it go when all the memories is the one who put me into sleep every single nite now...why u have to be so weak min..and let this happen to you..couldn't u be more foolish than this..(sigh)

am, i'm very sorry..for every single things that i've done and said..for not looking in ur eyes when u talked to me, for not be able to say the words that can calm you down when you at your lowest point, for not making you happy when you are not, for hurting u when i was being so stubborn and only follow my heart said, for not thinking about u and only care about myself and what i feel..for not appreciating ALL that you have done..

am, min mintak maaf sangat...kalau ditakdirkan satu hari nanti am baca semua ni, tolong maafkan min.kerana terlalu pentingkan diri sendiri,kerana tak fikir pasal am..

the only thing that i want so badly now: i want things back to normal
would it be good for me..or not?

i wish u will read this...

2009-03-04T00:40:00.000-08:00

Dulu engkau kenali
Tak pernah ku sedar
Dari mata yang memandang penuh pengertian
Tapi saat itu telah berubah
Di persimpang usia
Antara kita tak mampu lagi
Berselindung dengan alasan

Telah ku cantumkan
Semua impian bersama
Dalam jalinan yang kita bina berdua

Namun apakah erti bila
Keinginan terlanjur
Lalu menganggu kala dirimu
Selalu ada disisi

Duhai teman
Bisakah kau fahami sandiwara ini
Sejak bila berputiknya cinta kita
Menjadi rahsia yang tersimpan
Mewujudkan kenyataan
Ku tak sanggup kehilanganmu

Telah ku cantumkan
Semua impian bersama
Dari mata yg penuh pengertian

Namun apakah erti bila
Keinginan telah terlanjur
Lalu menganggu sanubariku

Ku cuba bayangkan waktu dulu
Gurau senda serta pujukan mu
Puisi indah menyatakan kata rinduku
Masa yang lalu meragui
Seluruh harapan muncul kini
Mengapa dan bertanya di mana kesudahan kita

Duhai teman
Bisakah kau fahami sandiwara ini
Sejak bila berputiknya cinta kita
Menjadi rahsia yang tersimpan
Mewujudkan kenyataan
Ku tak sanggup kehilanganmu

am

2009-03-03T23:45:00.000-08:00

oh bulan
jangan layan diriku lagi
pabila,
air mata membasahi pipi
dan lagu2 di radio seolah2 memerli aku
pabila,
kau bersama yg lain

adakah perasaaan benci ini sebenarnya cinta
yang masih bersemadi untukmu
dan sebenarya ku mengharapkan
di sebalik senyuman mu itu
kau juga merindui aku

ku enggan
berpura pura ku bahagia
ku enggan
melihat kau bersama si dia
oh ku akui cemburu
telah menular dalam diri
pabila
kau bersama yang lain

adakah perasaaan benci ini sebenarnya cinta
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seperti ku bernafas dalam air

adakah perasaaan benci ini sebenarnya cinta
yang masih bersemadi untukmu
dan sebenarya ku mengharapkan
di sebalik senyuman mu itu kau juga merindui aku
oh–

....................................................................................................

2009-03-02T20:20:00.000-08:00

i'm staring blankly at the blinders in front of me, thinking what should i write..suddenly i feel goosebumps on my arms. my eyes started getting teary. i'm so blur.i feel so lost.i wanted to talk to someone so much. i can't take everything anymore. but sadly there is no one that i can turn to. not now when i felt so lost.when i feel so hopeles..

what should i do.where should i go.when i feel this down who can i hope to lean on? myself..?but can i rely on myself when i feel so weak inside.when i feel this lost..never have i felt this way before. back then when i was in the 'dark room' as they called it..yes, i felt very down but i don't have much commitment by then...i can cry the whole day long.i can sleep whenever i feel so tired of crying. i can even take more dose of paracetamol when i though i need 'longer' sleep. i can even go on without consuming any food because i'm just soul and mentally tired..(or is that worst?)

but at this moment.i have responsibility all aorund me. amazing enough, i should be able to forget things easily now as i'm not only soul, mental tired but physically damn tired too.i can't let go any because there are expectation that i need to fulfilled.sadly enough, i even have my own expectation that i don't even know existed. yes, and because of this expectation, i am where i am now. i'm being unfair to myself, right? but what can i do?

i want to be happy..for goodness sake this one time, i want to be happy.i missed those times, when things are so pressured around me but i feel so much better inside because i'm happy. i cry because i'm happy.

and now see who is laughing..?clearly it's not me..

i posted this on september 3rd 2008...on my previous blog

2009-02-27T09:32:00.000-08:00

ya..aku suka dia..aku suka dia sebab dia lah penawar hati aku..dia lah yang ubatkan hati aku waktu aku sangat dalam kesedihan,waktu aku rasa dah tak ada tak ada kebahagiaan untuk aku..

dia yang temankan malam2 aku bila aku rasa tak boleh tido, bila aku rasa sunyi, bila kenangan datang untuk menyakitkan aku..

aku suka dia sebab dia jadi diri dia sendiri..dia tak pernah berkira..aku tau dia adalah kawan aku..muka dia yang aku bayangkan bila aku tak boleh nak lelap..message2 dia yang aku tunggu..call dia yang aku tunggu..

aku suka dia sebab dengan dia aku boleh cerita apa saja.aku tak payah nak pk nak jadi orang lain, aku hanya jadi diri sendiri..

aku suka dia sebab dia tenangkan hati aku.dia buat aku ingat kebesaran Allah..dia nasihatkan aku bila aku perlukan nasihat dia. dia tegur aku kalau dia rasa aku salah.dia pujuk aku bila dia rasa aku dipijak pijak..dia yakinkan aku bila aku rasa rendah diri..

aku suka dia, sebab dia sentiasa ada effort untuk aku..yang aku tau tak ramai orang boleh buat untuk aku..aku suka sebab ada waktu aku rasa dia manjakan aku, jaga aku, buat aku rasa aku ada dia,buat aku rasa selamat bila aku di tengah tengah rang ramai. dia tak malu bila dia dengan aku.

aku suka dia sbb kesungguhan dia, setiap masa yang dia kongsi dengan aku, masa yang dia sanggup luangkan untuk aku walaupun dia sangat sibuk..aku suka dia sebab dia suka cari aku..

aku suka dia sebab dia buat aku happy, dia buat aku senym balik sorang sorang, dia buat aku rasa ada tempat bergantung balik dalam hidup aku..aku suka dia sebab dia ciptakan kenangan baru untuk aku padamkan kenangan lama.dia buat aku senyum sampai aku rasa nak menangis.

ya, aku suka dia..aku mengaku aku suka dia..dan yang paling mengelirukan lagi, dia mula buat aku sayang dia...lebih dari seorang kawan..dan aku tahu aku perlu hindarkan tu secepat yang boleh sebelum keadaan jadi lebih susah untuk aku..

berikan la aku kekuatan Tuhan ku..walau apa pun yang terjadi, aku tak boleh simpan rasa sayang ni..biarlah jiwa aku merana dan hancur, aku tak mampu utk menyayangi dia lebih dari sepatutnya..aku tak bolehhh...aku betul2 tak boleh...aku tak boleh Ya Allah..buangkanlah perasaan ini sebelum dia jadi daging dalam hati aku..aku tak mau matikan hati aku lagi..aku tak berdaya nak menyayangi orang yang aku tau tak mampu menyayangi aku..aku tak boleh sayang dia..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
p/s: now i remember why i miss him this much............................................................................

i'm still here...

2009-02-27T07:37:00.000-08:00

miss my phone already..when finally i've some time to spend here, my phone temporarily 'gone' pulak..i wanted to post some of photos that i manage to take while my trip to melaka..huhu..hopefully can get it back over this weekend while i can still remember to put the photos here.

he asked me to get another phone to replace my phone while it's temporary 'gone'. i said i don't have another phone. still insist me to get a replacement - how people want contact me, how to return my phone, how if..etc..etc..
(what's wrong with him?)

it seems like i'm officially the copywriter for mydin..more stuffs to do but trust me i rather do that than the other stuff..at least writing all those things / research / putting words by words reminds me of what i used to love to do..and most importantly it took off my mind from all the cloudy things.

i still miss him though.. aku tau buat apa nak nangis, buat apa nak pk..he is part of me..he's been there for me all this while. i really miss him. i miss not having him by my side. i miss talking to him, i miss laughing with him. i miss him.

i feel like i'll do anything so that he's back by my side. anything.at the moment. anything.

imissu

2009-02-23T22:09:00.000-08:00

out of blue i was asked, 'ape yang min nak dalam life..?' we were otw back home from dinner..yes, dinner.(surprise surprise) and tiba tiba he asked 'ape yang min nak dalam life'..i know what i want in life.i certainly know what i want. but i don't know how to tell him. i don't want to sound pathetic in front of him but i don't feel like not telling him the truth too..tarik nafas, clear my mind, i told him..'sy percaya dalam life kalau kita hepi, mcm mana susah pun life, tapi hati kita senang, lapang, kita akan rasa kuat untuk hidup.kita boleh move on dalam hidup.so sy rasa sy nak tu, sy nak hepi'..weird enough..he didn't comment anything. in fact the conversation stopped there. the conversation about what i want in life just stop.as suddenly as it started. he didn't even elaborate further. erm..weird.very weird.

and i forgot what we talked after that.he sent me straight home as we got melaka trip early morning the next day.

i just realised how much i miss him after that nite.

i wish i'm dead

2009-02-23T01:47:00.000-08:00

if i'm dead, i would not create anymore trouble..to a.n.y.o.n.e anymore..i'll be free from this guilty feeling for making others felt so uncomfortable when they are around me..i can stop people seeing a very sad and horrible face walking all over the place. i can stop people from hearing me mourning all the time. i'll more than happy to make other people happy and if this is the only way..i'll be glad.

i'm so tired trying to make other people happy..sacrifice here and there..when there is absolutely NO ONE appreciate it.whereby in the end i'm the one who's accused not appreciating this and that.
i'm glad to be the bad guy here. more than anything.

come whoever has the same feeling with this feeling, please come and tell me that my theory is 100% correct. that i'm better of dead.

h.a.t.e

2009-02-18T18:18:00.000-08:00

i hate you. so much at the moment. and nothing i can think of at the moment that can make me ever forgive you for every single hurt that u make me feel, and for making me hate you. i hate u. and i will never forgive you for this pain, for the tears, for making me hating u.

what hurts the most...

2009-02-18T02:55:00.000-08:00

while doing the normal routine of checking jenn's blog, i found this lyrics that i used to like so much before..but by then i'm not so much influenced by it, simply because i was happy.he was there. but looking through the lyrics again today, with all these feeling, everything seem coming back...i realized the hole is getting bigger, the pain is going stronger,

i don't think i can take another night dreaming of him. i'm tired of crying and trying and keep getting hurt at the end. every nite, there are 2 stages. when i fall asleep because i was very very tired and another stage when i woke up and have to find ways to fall asleep again.

i'm very tired, too tired to handle any of this feeling. i wish i can just let go of everything so that i can move on. i've learnt by heart we can't live in past.i learnt that the worst way. and i'm never going to do that again. ever again. but i'm so tired, so hurt, and i'm missing him the worst way.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out

I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doing it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do…

i miss you...

2009-02-16T03:51:00.000-08:00

sangat sangat rindu..sangat sangat.when i first started the whole so called 'new life' all over again, i felt very heavy inside. i felt so scared when i woke up, so scared to see the day coming as i don't know how it would turn out at the end. i have so high hope and i was so scared that none of the hope will come as close as 'come true'. but it turns out to be better day by day..it's true you know when people said that when you started to give up, it'll come back to you.
and today i felt heavier than when i first started.the thing is i still have this principle of not hoping. life has taught me a lesson.don't dream to high because i can't stand the pain later. but then suddenly things went back to square 1. i was almost back where i first started and that scare me so much..

orang cakap, setiap yang berlaku ada sebabnya..betul..tapi aku selalu nampak sebab tu when it's too late.

orang cakap every day is a new day. be happy, start your day with a smile. aku nak sangat mcm ni. aku nak nmpk yang baik baik saja.i wanted to see my life as i see my work..yes, i'm very stressed out sebab keja. sangat2 stress.sangat2 penat tapi until certain level, i know exatly where to stop. aku tau bila aku rasa aku tak payah pk lagi sebab it's out of my control, because i can't make every one happy, aku tau mcm mana pun jadi, i have to move on. mungkin sebab tu aku masih ada kat sini sebab aku tau aku masih boleh tahan.
tapi, aku tak nampak life aku mcm tu. no matter how i wanted to stop, life ttp jalan jugak.

i miss you.

another day...

2009-02-16T02:09:00.000-08:00

sat-feb 14th.

went to OU, enjoy Upin Ipin Movie (how i really had a laugh that day..memang sangat best..a salute to them), had a free cornetto ice cream, did zura's present for her zarma, bought white skirt, a very tiring day as it started even earlier than my normal working day. btw, had a meeting with AA as early as 10 am until 1pm at the office.

sun-feb 15th.
woke up at almost 10am..all the muscles hurt so much especially the on the leg, probably because of a long 'walk' the before or the effect from the fall down. my hand muscle hurt as well but can't see a reason why..head are spinning as well.had lunch on time, felt asleep almost immediately after that woke up with even greater pain on the leg, hand and head. pain also increased in stoamch area.planned to go to giant - maybe the reason i'm so tired is because i'm practically doing nothing..can hardly move my whole body by the time i reached home after giant. can feel the temp started to rise up. lost my appetite, had soup as dinner. felt asleep immediately after (again...) fall asleep while reading my current novel.

mon-feb 16th.
woke up feeling better.(sigh...no sign of getting really sick that can make me take a whole day off...sigh again) and the resume as per normal. (beginning to feel really scared of it)..i almost dread for the next day to appear because it's not getting better..this is how i used to feel before and i don't want to feel the same way again..(sigh..............................................................................)

yes..everyday is a new beginning...(sigh again)

...

2009-02-12T20:30:00.000-08:00

a week of silence...real silence..i wonder how it will work from here..

i alomost can't take this anymore..

sakit...

2009-02-12T20:06:00.000-08:00

first it started with headache...since last monday..should be earlier..because i decided to go to clinic on monday, but the clinic was closed...so, i went on tuesday..the doctor ask me to fix my eyes..how on earth can i do that..?wearing glasses might not help as i've the experience before.it will only increase the pain.i can't stand already la..really..i only took the pain killer and ignore the rest medicine..it helped..so much, but i'm depending too much on the pain killer pulak...but the pain goes and i feel lighter..but i also need to stop listening ti music or too loud noises or else the pain will come again. i stopped taking the pills yesterday. feeling better and so afraid that its finished by the time when i really need it. only four tablets left.

the doctor gave me mc but i know i can't afford that. too much work waiting and summore i know i can still tahan..

yesterday, my hands felt itch all over. the palms are red and scary looking. how to garu your tapak tangan..?u wouldn't know where to garu..there's no sign of red dots anywhere,but i can felt that my hands are not smooth. it started to go numb and worst it started to go to the wrist.could there be bed bug..?hoho.when i'm in calmer state of mind...(so called) the first thought..chicken pox!! a week of mc!! poor me..little that i forgot, i've gotten chicken pox million of years ago and that chicken pox didn't start from your palms...(*sigh)..apparently the itch got better..(of course..i'm turning into a very scary person, even pain and sickness don't want to stick long with me..huhu)it got better at nite..

i left the office myself last nite..feeling less..emotion less..lock the door..went to the lift, pressed B1, went to my car..use the appropriate way as they called, use the stairs..don't know where my mind go, all that i know i was clinging (try to)as hard as i can to the handler to balance myself so that i won't fall down from the stairs.there are another 3 stair case to go..imagine if i can't hold tighly enough, my face sure kena lantai and even my knee pun mesti luka or lebam..but as the result, i hurt my kaki..sat on the stairs for like 10 mins, try to call my friend but not picking up the call.i'm almost scared.i'm alone at the basement.anything can happen and i can't move!!!!
once my nerve start feeling again, i dumbly try to put on my shoes.kaki dah sakit boleh ingat nak pakai kasut.of course i can't, since it hurt so much.
went home, mymy already packed some food home, nursing my poor kaki.slowly it gets swollen...

this morning when i first woke up, it was very painful, i can't walk...fall asleep again and feel better.so here i am still limping, can't walk too fast but the swollen gone. at laest..

first it started with the heart...straight go to the head..back to hand and now the leg...i don't know which one is more painful and when i cried last nite..not sure it came from which pain...

why?

2009-02-07T23:52:00.000-08:00

1. maybe out of sudden the gf find out and was outrageously mad and really can't accept the friendship, scared that i might some day take what she thinks belong to him and demand not / NEVER to see me again personally and if he trully love her, no more question asked, just do what she ask to do.

2. maybe he suddenly realized that he's been spending so much time with me and he himself scared that he might have given me a wrong perspective of what he think about this friendship. he might get cold feet that i might fall in love with him...(for goodness sake!!!! after a whole year now only you think about this..only after a whole damn year?!!! PLEASE...i'm not little kid ok!!!!!)

3. maybe he's terribly bored with me and wanted something new.

4. maybe he just don't like me anymore

5. maybe i've hurt him the worst way

6. maybe he was sick and tired of all the troublesome that i'd give him and he just had enough!

7. maybe he hate me

of all the maybe 's' ...number 7 is the strongest point. you can't just change overnight. you just can't. only if you heart decided to change to hate what u used to like, then everything is possible...u know what..i might hate u too.

messy...

2009-02-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

tired. mostly on the mental part. very tired in fact. sad. very very sad. and the sadness consume so much energy which link again to the tired part. broken hearted.into very small pieces. bring this to the sad part..again.losing hope, feel like there is no more room for me to breath in where ever i go.
and each and every of this bringing me closer to give up. to give up with my life.

i can't explain the tired part..i seem very normal from the outside, very energetic enough. i can still run here and there even without food...haha.so who would believe that i'm totally flat inside. my mind can still think rationally, it's not like i go and do something stupid to show that my mind isn't working anymore. everything looks make sense enough to every eyes watching..i feel very sick until all i want is to lie down..where i feel like lying down..?somewhere i can here the waves splashing, just by myself and know that i'm going to be better after that. but i look pretty healthy, very healthy..so what is this i'm saying i'm too tired, sick la this la that la..

i know i'm sad. damn sad.i'm losing a friendship..the scariest part, i'm letting it go myself..i'm not fighting for it anymore, i felt so broken hearted until someone can see that i'm letting go when i myself can't see that...i'm really scared of myself..(hmm..seems that i'm pretty insane la..considering my thought above..it's quite obvious actually) i'm letting go and that is totally not me.i'm following the flow, i'm not trying to change it to make it better, i'm not trying to make me happy anymore or at least satisfy what i want. and maybe that's make me sadder..
i'm losing a friendship, one of i love the most..is this means i don't love myself anymore...?

don't want to go to the broken hearted part..it'll just added the pieces..and for sure, i'm losing hope..totally losing hope.

i'm beginning to understand life...at least my life..it's very messy.

i miss u ..i really miss you...i need you for me to know that things will be ok even if it would not.i need you to know at least i'm not alone to go through this hell..
please, whatever i've done i'm sorry. i would not do that again. i just need you

a beautiful day...

2009-02-01T03:49:00.000-08:00

it started when we are still at the office, when i was still very busy running here and there to settle all the issues, before every one started their long chinese new year break..he was signalling to me what time we should make a move that nite and at the moment that was the last thing on my mind..i need to settle all the things fast because i want to go home fast. i'm already too tired and and i have not packed a thing yet..

i was the second last person to leave the office. on my way back, i packed some food home. once i'm home, i ate, rest for a while. mean time, we still can't decide what time we're leaving. he sounded very tired and un well too during the day and i do not feel very good to leave that nite itself. i just told him to get enough rest and just buzz me when he's ready. i took my own sweet time, even fall asleep as i was very very tired..when i woke up, there is still no msg, went to take my bath, and pack up my things. then only i was told that he was already otw and will be reaching my place in 20 mins. i had not perform isyak prayer yet, was undress and still wet in my towel. so typical him!i told him since the sms is very last minute please take your time to wait for me..

he did not look tired at all..he didn't sleep earlier and even though his nose was running rather badly, he still talked non stop. and as for me, as i've taken a nap earlier i do not feel so tired anymore and i already decided never to fall asleep when he is driving..!!as predicted, the highway was jammed by cars who took the same dicision as we did. maybe that's why we didn't really feel sleepy. we were talking all the way, arguing, laughing at people that we know..wow..i never thought that it will go that way but i loved it..every moment of it.

he was driving rather very slowly..because i told him i can't be reaching my friend's house at very early in the morning. so he told me he'll make sure we will reach there by 9am. ok..fine with me..we stopped few places- once because i wanted to drink, after that because he need to go to toilet, and the last time because i told him i need to go to toilet but it wasn't very urgent and i can tahan. he insisted and stopped the car rite in front of the toilet!omg...what choice do i have..after toilet, we stopped to sleep for 2 hours and started again at around 7 in the morning..

we reached penang i think at 9 something. zura was already waiting but suddenly he popped me the question that i never thought he would ask. he wanted to spend sometime in penang (saying that he already pay the toll, but actually i paid the toll..huhu)so okay, i called zura and tell her that we go jalan2 first..i know she would say ok..

it was one of the most beautiful day in my life...we spend the whole day in feringghi beach..just lay there closed our eyes and listen to the beautiful sound of the waves..our mind free from every single pollution from kl..Ya Allah..it was the most beautiful day..and i know i will remember that day forever.being there with him, sharing the day, the moment with him perfect everything up..i know i can't have the same day again but i want to remember that, forever..i love the day so much entirely..

Ya Allah..please..kalau ada kesempatan untukku, izinkan aku lalui hari itu sekali lagi..

cantik...

2009-01-31T06:24:00.000-08:00

bila aku tengok zura...
aku nampak sesuatu yang dari dulu, dari mula mula aku kenal dia, ada satu charm yang akan buat orang suka kat dia. ada satu will dalam diri dia yang buat dia nampak hidup, yang buat people look up to her..mungkin sesuatu itu dia develop as she go along in life, she believes in her principle, sje knows what she wants but she did not hurt anyone around her just to get what she want..she adapt into her life and that is what so beautiful about her..i guess that's what people see when they look into her eyes, when they fall in love with her..no matter they hurt her, they'll try to find a way to get back into her life probably because they want to share that strong feeling she has within her..

bila aku tengok hani...
aku nmpk cantik yang aku tau akan di'nampak' oleh orang lain jugak..she's not just pretty face but with brain too..when people look at her, they want to know more, they do not hesitate to want to know more..well..this is something to do with what Allah gives to u, so no question asked..she's funny, amusing, interesting..sometimes, i just wish that when people look at me they see the same thing too..

bila aku tengok rosie...
she's just too pure, too clean inside still not polluted with any rubbish of life..what ever she said comes from her heart, she will not say something that would hurt you..and it's true you know, beauty comes from within..that's why people just choose to love her it's because it's hard not to!whatever she do for her mom, family, is merely pure, sincere..no one can hate her when they see that side and even if they do you know what type of people they are..

bila aku tengok 'dia'...
erm..he's one of the most beautiful guy that i've ever known..he is beautiful not because of the look which no doubt is very good enough but what he carry along with him..the principles that he lay on, the strenght that his heart has with him, to know what he wants in life, how he always carry himslef everywhere he go makes him so beautiful....ur eyes can't miss that..and i'm falling for that beauty..falling hard for it which bring me to where i am rite now..the way he tells you that you are worthwhile after a very bad day, the way he looks at you, the way he remembers what he say or u say to him..every single things about him..is just beautiful..

bila aku tengok 'aku'...
mata yang bagi aku tak nmpk apa apa...hati yang terlalu berat dengan rasa sampai terkeluar jelas kat wajah aku..mungkin betul,hati aku terlalu banyak menangis, sampai wajah aku pun nmpk mcm menangis..mana ada cantik lagi..?

semoga satu hari nanti hati aku akan 'cantik' semula supaya cantik tu pun akan nampak kat mata..

bila aku mengaku aku jatuh cinta

2009-01-30T20:15:00.000-08:00

sebelum aku tulis ni...aku raup muka aku banyak banyak kali..pejam mata aku, cari hati aku, pejam lagi..(tears start coming out)

sepanjang pagi ni aku habiskan dengan ulang tayang cita sindarela...cuba kaitkan cerita tu dengan hidup aku, dengan rasa aku..

jauh..sangat jauh dalam hati aku..yang hanya aku dan Allah saja yang mampu sampai, ya aku sedang jatuh cinta, falling for someone..jatuh kasih pada dia, dia yang sangat dekat dengan hati aku..setelah hampir 2 tahun, kenangan dan kesakitan lalu nmpknya belum cukup untuk mematangkan aku, aku jatuh cinta dengan dia.dengan org yang selama ini terlalu setia menemani aku, yang selama ini telah menciptakan kenangan baru untuk gantikan kenangan yang lama yang memang patut aku padamkan.

aku rasa hilang bila dia menjauh, tapi bila dia dekat kadang kadang aku rasa aku lebih selesa bila dia tak ada..sebab aku tak tau mcm ana nak tengok mata dia, macam mana nak bercakap dengan dia sebab aku takut dia rasa apa yang aku rasa. aku dah belajar, kita tak boleh bersandar pada kenangan sebab kita hidup dalam realiti. tapi dengan dia aku izinkan hati aku menerawang jauh dalam setiap kenangan aku dan dia.

aku dekatkan hati aku dengan apa yang mengingatkan aku dengan dia...di hadapan mata mata lain, aku lebih senang menipu, lebih senang nafikan apa yang aku rasa kerana aku percaya, semakin aku menidakkan rasa ni, semakin aku akan percaya yang sebenarnya rasa ini tak ada pun dalam hati aku.

kalau akau diberi pilihan, aku tak akan pilih untuk jatuh cinta dengan dia..aku tak akan pilih untuk letak nama dia dalam hati aku.sebab aku tak nampak masa depan dengan dia..aku tak yakin akan ada sinar untuk aku dengan dia. sebab aku bukan pilihan...

Allah yang pegang hati kita. jadi aku mohon...supaya Allah kuatkan hati aku, keraskan hati aku
seperti mana Allah keraskan hati mereka...sebab aku tak mau jatuh cinta dengan dia..aku tak mau sayang dia..aku tak mau mimpikan dia, aku tak mau kenang dia..dan yang paling penting aku tak mau bencikan dia satu hari nanti...
aku tak kuat, aku sangat2 tak kuat...dan aku tak perlukan sakit ini untuk buktikan kelemahan ku..

Tuhan..kau ambil lah rasa ini semula...ia bukan hak aku..

(and the tears keep coming out until i don't bother to stop it anymore...)

sindarela..last episode..

2009-01-30T07:06:00.000-08:00

dalam hidup, cinta boleh datang dan pergi..ketawa kerananya, senyum kerananya, menangis semahunya , sakit..

bermula dengan persahabatan, segelintir pula cuma sedar bila ia hilang,

semata mata untuk rasa dihargai, ada yang percaya cintanya untuk selamanya,

some of us finally will realize that life is not a fairytale, need to start of..

demi sebuah impian, tak salah untuk kita kuat bila mana hati kita rapat menghadapi realiti..
tangis, tangis semahunya tapi jangan biarkan hati kita terus rebah

sejauh mana kita kenal hati budi seseorang, kita tetap tak boleh buat penilaian..
in life we have to learn to let go, and keep on..

the more you wait, the more time you waste..

bermula dengan hati, angan dan mimpi., sebesar manapun kedudukan kita, segagah prinsip, mampu goyah..because of love

because we are human being..mudah rimas bila cintanya lemah..

kita harus kuatkan hati, percaya naluri, just admit it..

Lafazkan Cintaku mahukan dia....

if i were a boy

2009-01-30T06:42:00.000-08:00

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

my favourite playlist at the moment....i guess the lyrics just letting out whatever a girl is feeling inside..what i'm feeling inside.aku tak mau jadi lelaki,aku tak sanggup nak jadi lelaki..nak jadi seseorang yang terlalu berkeupayaan untuk menyakitkan hati orang lain. aku senang jadi perempuan, tapi kalau aku jadi seorang lelaki, dengan kuasa yang telah alam hukum kan keatas ku..aku akan pilih apa yang aku nak, aku akan bahagiakan hati aku dengan buat pilihan yang betul, dengan kuatkan hati aku, dengan tahu apa yang aku nak..aku tak akan bazirkan masa, aku tak akan susahkan hidup aku dengan tak dapat kawal keadaan..

tolonglah...bersyukurlah sebab anda seorang lelaki, sebab anda ada apa yang kami tak ada, sebab Tuhan kuatkan hati anda, keraskan hati anda supaya anda tahu apa yang patut anda buat..tolong jangan siakan apa yang dah anda ada..kesianla kat diri sendiri.

dahulu....sekarang

2009-01-18T03:12:00.000-08:00

dulu...
makan...satu dari rutin utama
kalau dah makan...minum
tak kisah kalau keluar dengan abang, kawan, office mate, boss,
akan cari masa utk makan sekali..
kalau dah mkn, ajak mkn, tak kisah utk temankan..
kalau ada event set up, awal awal akan cakap untuk ajak keluar, tak kisah walau penat
akan ajak keluar, at least utk jalan
kalau hujung minggu akan ajak jalan jalan
sangat jarang tak balas sms
apa lagi utk tak jawab panggilan
satu budi ditabur, akan diingat, dibalas berkali kali
akan ada untukku,
semangat, kekuatan, sentiasa temankan

sekarang..
tak perlu makan..
apa lagi minum..
apa lagi sekadar temankan..
kalau event, no more question asked..that's it..
sms even calls are easily ignored..
buat la sebaik mana pun, nak dengar 'tq' pun payah.
seribu satu salah mula dicari.
masa untukku sudah tiada..
tiada semangat,nasihat, perihatin, luahan, kasih sayang lagi
tak ada..
aku makan atau tak, aku ok atau tak
bukan priority lagi

aku amat berkecil hati, sangat sedih, hilang satu lagi dahan yang selama ini diizinkan merendangi aku di sini..hilang sahabat yang bagiku sangat setia.tanpa aku sedar sebabnya,tanpa aku sedar apa salah ku.tiba tiba dia jauhkan diri, tiba tiba dia sisihkan aku dari hidup dia,dia buat aku hilang,tak penting, dia buat aku tak kuat.

dia buat aku rasa hilang dia.

aku amat rindukan dia kat sisi aku.ada utk aku..

maafkan aku...

2009-01-18T02:48:00.000-08:00

a new year...a new start..a new beginning..new blog

aku mintak maaf..sekiranya ada salahku, ada kasarku, ada kesakitan yang sudah aku ciptakan, ada kebosanan yang aku cetuskan, ada kekurangan yang tak dapat aku atasi, kecacatan yang tak dapat aku sempurnakan..tolong maafkan min, tolong maafkan semuanya yang telah menutup pintu hatimu untuk teruskan setiap yang kita ada..tolong maafkan min.

kasih sayang sebagai sahabat ini tak akan ada gantinya, tak akan ada kurangnya, sampai bila bila. min hanya manusia yang tak akan terlepas dari buat seribu satu kesalahan.

sekiranya ada pilihan, min tak akan buat salah itu..

min sayang awak.